さみしかったです

Can’t stop thinking about you…

But I know all of these dreams will just remain as dreams.

And every time I think of this, I feel like that there’s nothing worth living for anymore.

And coupled with class that I don’t like…

It’s too painful to live these days… …

Friends.

I feel like I have very little or no friends at all… Barely anyone really cares about me (there we go again), but the worst thing is that even those whom I regard as very close friends are beginning to neglect me in one way or another.

It’s getting more and more depressing. I thought things had improved at first, but maybe…it’s just a short break from all those suffering that I had. 

It’s back! :D And it’s getting worse, since even the closest ones are beginning to neglect me. 

Either people completely ignore me and talk to others happily, or show very little interest in talking to me. I feel sick. Terrible. 

Must everyday be this bad??? I try to improve things, but people just turn my days upside down easily… 

I feel like that there’s no one I can really rely on…while other people begin to rely on one another more and more before entering a stage that I had long dreamt for. 

Finally blogged after like..what?! 1 month? But I was too busy to blog, and there wasn’t much to write anyway.

So life was still…terrible, and enjoyable in a way :D Terrible due to those few people. I should stop ‘sticking’ to them and go out with the rest. Come to think of it, this class is actually quite nice, but i just didn’t fit in. And I felt that this class sucked solely because of 1 reason: those few guys whom I am always with. Staying with him really brings my mood down to level -10e^99. It’s so bad, that it’s unimaginable. Imagine that one of your so-called clique member always talking to the other 2 but not you - smiling and laughing with them while leaving you alone. What do you call that kind of person? You know what I mean. 

Enjoyable - cca times :D Shan’t elaborate further - cca times are the best of all ^^ And shooting (as in photography) and playing piano at home just make my day. As well as watching anime, talking to some ppl (u know who ^^) and listening to awesome piano and anime music. AWESOME TTM. HELL YEAH. 

Anyway was talking to Tze Chong just now. It’s very nice to talk to him ^^ hehe. Just learnt that he have had terrible experiences too :\ Well ultimately he’s right about one thing: I must not be so negative anymore. Agreed - life is too terrible now , and since i only have 1 life, I shld make it good and nice, instead of letting everything ‘succumb’. I shall try! Well, anyway don’t know if u will see this, but thanks a lot Tze Chong ^^ 

Still, I have my own doubts.

And I have been doing too much work lately…I am getting sick of seeing all these paper and working… And talking to her seems to be easier and nicer recently :D  But I shldn’t be too happy over things that wouldn’t work out in the end. Well, at least it cheers me up for a short awhile… Talk about false hope. Feel like killing myself after thinking about this - hurts like crap.

And I’m pretty surprised someone actually reads this blog :o   It’s usually just me. 

奇跡、希望、誤った希望
私が誰？ 

Had fun taking loads of photos in school today (It’s sports carnival today, and my last one). Took over a thousand photos, but I managed to cut down to about 70 or less. 

As usual, things began to fall apart as soon as i entered the school. I’m reminded of that day’s events and incidents again. Seeing my class just makes a bright day look gloomy. Seeing some of my classmates makes me feel disgusted - especially those that I’m always with. I have realised that while I felt terrible when I’m with those not-so-familiar classmates, I felt like crap when I’m with those I’m familiar with. Surprise, surprise. 

Next, I only talked to EC for less than a minute when I settled down on the bench that I always do in the morning. And again (as usual), people began to arrive, and I felt more lonely as they talked to one another while I just stoned alone. I want to sit somewhere else with someone else. But that’s not gonna be possible. I really wished that I could have someone to talk and rant (you get what I mean) to so that the loneliness inside me would be erased, but this wish would probably never come true this year. Or the next, and the next and the next… While everyone else manages to fulfill this wish, I only got further from what I want. And because of this, my depression got worse - I can’t smile anymore, and I don’t find any jokes funny anymore. I can’t stop thinking about this, and loneliness and sadness engulf me every now and then.

I thought the shooting experience would take these thoughts away, but no, that didn’t happen at all. It gets pretty upsetting when the person beside you is ‘treated better’ despite the fact that both of us barely know that person. It just gives me a ‘sinking’ feeling whenever I experience this. But will I show it? - No. And I dunno if I’m thinking too much, but I have a feeling some people are avoiding me or something. These people used to be friendly (or I thought so) towards me, but now they seemed hostile or something. I just can’t fucking understand why.

The only things that made me happy today? - piano recordings and the images I took today. Most of the shots turned out to be better than I thought! And the recordings were quite good! Looks like I should continue to use the EOS 7D for further recordings!

My blog’s content is in stark contrast with someone else’s - his blog is full of happy posts with occasional troubled posts while mine is just full of melancholic posts. I just wish I could be like that guy - having someone to talk or rant to everyday about anything, and that person would do the same to you too. The more I think of this, the more I feel that I don’t fit here. The desire gets stronger everyday as the negative feelings I have grow with each passing day. I wonder how long I will last……

I thought I would forget all those horrible stuff when i woke up today. 

NO. Those memories were still crystal clear in my head. 

And they stayed with me as I brushed my teeth, went out with my parents, as well as right now. 

So another day was ruined. Ahahaha. That feels so great!

Feels like the days in years 2-5, especially years 2 and 5. 

It frightens me to think how my last school year would end - horribly? happily? sadly? I’m guessing it’s the first, since I have barely felt happy from year 2 onwards. 

Maybe I should change myself - care less about others and just focus on my interests and studies. But i will never be able to achieve the former - I care a lot about many people and it will stay that way forever. And I can’t achieve the latter if I’m always getting troubled by all these issues…

Gosh, why am I typing all these? Not like anyone cares, and to be honest, who would ever care? I am just that insignificant to many people no matter what I do.

Anyway, I must thank Nuda for completing the Math Project! I contributed so little that it might be fair to say that he had done the whole thing by himself. Okay, at least I did help in collecting some useful data and spotted a few mistakes in the poster. And I also corrected some of the integration in the pdf file, although it wasn’t used in the poster in the end… ;__;  I will definitely do more when we collect more results on Monday after school.
What about the other members? I won’t say who, but they contributed nothing (esp one person). But I have to say it’s definitely hard to coordinate when it comes to these kinds of stupid and brainless projects (waste of precious time in other words). 
Still, I hate it when I contribute too little - Why should 1 person do everything for the sake of everyone? It’s not fair for that person!  
Kinda reminded me of the year 2 geography project, where I solo-ed everything. I know how it feels - while it feels great to have completed the whole thing tirelessly by yourself, you will still grumble at your group members for doing nothing at all. That person may not say it, or even say that he’s happy to do such things, but deep down, he may be thinking differently.
This may sound obvious, but unfortunately, there are many great oafs who take things for granted. 

Hmm, I wonder if I should talk to her (not that her, but someone that most people wouldn’t know)… 

And meanwhile, I think I might have a conclusion regarding someone: That person will only talk to me if he/she has some troubles with his/her work. 

This song is awesome ttm!

Been listening to it for countless times!!

Here’s Animenzzz’s amazing piano transcription of this song :D  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32Dq5BgC9xE&feature=g-all-lik&context=G2ae5a60FAAAAAAAABAA 

Here’s the awesome song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uD-oPmKemXE&feature=related  

Enjoy!!!

Been a long time since I posted something - too busy these days.

I am feeling sad and terrible again - I dunno what’s causing me to feel like this. Perhaps it’s due to the fact that I’m always helping and talking to that someone, and that someone doesn’t seem to fucking care about me. My emotions are fluctuating wildly these days. I can be feeling happy one day, but extremely troubled and sad on the next day. All because I try too hard and expect too much. Fuck, I shouldn’t even care about you anymore. You can just die in a fire.

And for FUCK’s sake, would some people stop mentioning her fucking name right in front of me? Do you not know that that is absolutely annoying? Would you want to me to say someone’s name in front of you for many times? Grow up, shit-head!

And I’m getting fucking sick of my class and my classmates. They are fuck-tards, brainless assholes, shit-holes and so on. Staying in a classroom with this piece-of-shit class just makes me feel unhappy. There is absolutely no one to talk to. And these people seem to always view some people as god and show loads of interest and curiosity whenever these so-called gods talk. Look at their fucking expressions and you can tell that they admire these so-called gods a lot. They might even be praying to them at home! Who knows? Go and fucking marry them for god’s sake. Stop flashing those fucked-up expressions in front of me - they’re disgusting and annoying.

I knew from the start that this class wouldn’t suit me, and I was right. Now, I’m suffering from depression because of this class (and its fucked-up classmates) and some other people. Perhaps it’s because I’m thinking too much again… Perhaps I expected too much… But i know I’ve had enough of these shit. But I just can’t do anything because I don’t want to hurt anyone or myself. But really, why is everyone so insensitive towards me? I’ve always wondered about this, and I could never figure out the answer. 

And I’m gradually losing my confidence and hope in everything… 

First of all, really boring mornings… and there comes horrible classroom periods. This class is boring and dull to me, and I’m pretty sick of it. 

And there comes homework…work that frustrates me to the point that I start screaming and cursing. 

And lastly…really boring and lonely nights. 

That’s in stark contrast to many people whom I know - bright, interesting lives as a result of having someone brightening your days. 

Me? Nobody to cheer me up at all. I just go through the same phase everyday - dark boring days. 

I should consider overseas studies and leaving this place forever.

maybe i shld start sitting somewhere else before morning assembly… I can’tstand boring mornings anymore.

These few days were quite boring…spent most of the time revising for my H3 test.

Nth much to blog about dull, boring days. 

And it looks like you had so much fun that you had completely forgotten about me. Wow. Greatly appreciated. Please continue to do that.

And there’ school tomorrow! I don’t want to meet my class at all, and neither do i want to meet certain people in the morning.  

It will start again tomorrow, ends on Friday and start all over again on Monday. 

What a cycle.